A ruse

Stuck riding the elevator with someone that you kind of recognize but aren't sure if it's really them but also don't remember their name? Absolutely terrifying. This article is just what you need to pretend you're really into something on your phone to avoid making any awkward small talk. Just keep scrolling and under no circumstances should you look up.

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Laugh here like you read something funny

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Pretend to type on your phone

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Say "oh that's so true" so they think you're in deep thought reading something of value

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Don't make eye contact

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Jeez how long is this elevator ride?

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Pretend you're answering a phone call. Say "Angela are you there? Angela? Can you hear me?" pretend you have bad reception and just keep repeating like someone can't hear you then hang up.

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Scroll x 25 scrolls

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Sigh

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Alright I can't keep this up much longer

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I have a LIFE you know

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For chrissakes just go back to the top and scroll again.

advertisement: The official coffee of meetings everywhere

It's currently percolating in a hot coffee dispenser with a battlefield of half-opened Sweet n' Low packets strewn around it. It's been sitting out for an undisclosed amount of time in fluorescent lighting but it promises it's just as good-ish as that Starbucks stuff. A bowl of warm creamers lie in wait to be used. Just give it a chance- will ya?

"innovative" workplace benefits

New hire - Welcome to our company! We're so happy to have trapped you - I mean hired you for this role! I wish we could tell you what your job role will be but we still don't really understand the job ourselves.

But what we do know is at our company, we care about our employees! That's why we offer competitive wellness benefits.

We know that with the long hours on the job and countless emails after hours, realistically, you probably won't have time to decompress in a healthy way such as going to a yoga class. We understand! And that's why our wellness package is just a tub of Tollhouse cookie dough that you can eat to emotionally unwind!

Our tub of Tollhouse cookie dough is a great stress reliever. And it:

-Fits into most work bags

-Is easily accessible to eat on the subway ride home

-Perfect to snack on while you're hiding under your desk attempting to regain any level of sanity

We figure one roll of cookie dough wouldn't be enough to deal with the emotional load of assignments such as completing 500 Excel sheets in 15 minutes so that's why we offer a FULL TUB (around 1 US pound!).

And we restock cookie dough daily just visit the lunch room fridge.

Woah we almost forgot! We also offer a spoon with your cookie dough tub that's engraved with the words "Ughhhhhh" - the most commonly recited phrase in our office!

So welcome! And we can't wait to start working with you! And be sure to check out our other benefits such as rooftop access to yell "AHHHHHHHH WHY ME" every time you receive an email.